Oft-remembered but seldom seen of late, Legion Podcasts is proud to host the return of the Inter-Review, in which we sit down with the film itself to discuss the ins and outs of a particular story. For this auspicious return, we contacted the haunted hayride film The Bates Haunting to find out just what the hell is going on with this thing.
Legion Podcasts: Hi, The Bates Haunting, thanks for joining us today!
The Bates Haunting: Happy to be here. Pretty scary, right?
LP: You mean you, the movie?
TBH: Yep. Scary as hell, what with all the Bates-ish killing and the whole mystery and everything. Here at The Bates Haunting, we’re not just a thriller, we’re a thinker.
TBH: Did you notice how we mentioned the motel?
LP: I did. I wanted to ask about that.
TBH: Fire away.
LP: So, to summarize, you’re about a girl who saw her friend burned alive by a special effect during a haunted hayride thingie, and then she’s all moody for a year, then her dad makes her work at the same hayride where she witnessed this horrific trauma. Yet, no one seems the least bit concerned that this might lead to some sort of further psychological trauma. In fact, her father even says that the girl’s therapist thinks it’s a good idea, because of immersion therapy or something, like she’s afraid of spiders and not the witness of someone being literally burned alive before her eyes. Now, we never see this therapist, but that seems like maybe the stupidest diagnosis in the history of psychotherapy.
TBH: You know, people are resilient. Also, we talk about the motel.
LP: We’ll get to that. Let me ask a more direct question. At any point, did you think that maybe you should have scaled back on some of the murders? Take, for instance, the killing of a girl by a combine, which seems to sneak up on her, despite the fact that this a huge piece of industrial farm machinery that probably does not come equipped with a “stealth mode.” Did that seem dumb to you?
TBH: Did you hear us talk about the motel?
LP: Fine, let’s talk about the stupid motel. So, aside from having a cover that suggests a creepy motel, this movie has nothing to do with Psycho or its sequels and prequels, and is, in fact, set at the Bates Haunted Hayride and Motel, which is a real thing. But, to repeat for emphasis, has nothing to do with the more famous film.
TBH: We have a motel.
LP: And, there’s not even a haunting. It’s just some dude killing people at the behest of his mother, again, no relation to another movie that famously featured a killer and his mother, and said killer may or may not be mentally challenged. Is that about it?
TBH: There’s a motel.
LP: And why did you make those people say such stupid things? I mean, I’m all for indie cinema with all its flaws, but it feels like this was written by a twelve-year-old who had once heard of the movie Psycho…
TBH: No relation…
LP: Right, no relation to those movies. The more I talk to you, Bates Haunting, the angrier I’m getting. I mean, at the end of you, our heroine has a shotgun, which she uses on the mother, but somehow forgets that she could shoot the main villain, preferring to run away, defying all logic or natural human instinct. Didn’t anyone involved with your creation stop to consider how real people speak and behave? Or maybe cruise by the local dinner theater to see if someone who had acted before might want to pop in for a line or two? From top to bottom, you are a really dumb, borderline incompetent piece of filmmaking that is only noteworthy for borrowing the mystique of a classic movie that you have absolutely nothing to do with! It’s the old bait-and-switch where you lure people in with one expectation, then give them a bunch of poorly made garbage instead. Don’t you feel bad for that? Have you no shame?
TBH: The Bates Haunted Hayride and Motel has a real motel.
LP: But no one knows about that! They know the Bates Motel from the goddamn Psycho movies, not from some Pennsylvania-based local attraction! You are deliberately misleading people into watching you because of name recognition, and not the name of some stupid hayride! Sorry… you just make me so damn mad, Bates Haunting.
TBH: You don’t think I know that? You don’t think I feel humiliated by this craven and cynical ploy to get a few clicks on Netflix? I technically exist in the same genre that Psycho and Halloween do, but look at me! I’m a sham! A horrible, cynical sham of a movie that is only notable for what it’s not, rather than what it is. I know there’s no ghost in the movie! I know there’s no real character to root for, or even human dialog to enjoy! You think I like being me? I’d rather be a… a…
LP: Say it.
TBH: A found footage movie! There, are you happy, now?
LP: Yes. Yes, I am. Thank you for joining us for this special Legion Podcasts Inter-Review…
LP: We’ll return when a movie really, really deserves it.
TBH: *sob* Can I at least have money for the cab home?